


Warm Healer

by nyuclear



Category: The Boyz (Korea Band)
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Coming of Age, I haven't a damn clue how to tag this, M/M, Masturbation, Unrequited Crush, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-23
Updated: 2020-11-23
Packaged: 2021-03-10 04:14:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,620
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27687434
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nyuclear/pseuds/nyuclear
Summary: Kevin has been hopelessly in love with Jacob for years now.One night, he decides to tell him.
Relationships: Bae Joonyoung | Jacob/Moon Hyungseo | Kevin
Comments: 3
Kudos: 53





	Warm Healer

**Author's Note:**

> Title from the song of the same name by Everything Everything.
> 
> Mature rating cause I talk about choking the chicken, but it's neither particularly in-depth or alluring.

Kevin didn't believe in love at first sight. He still didn’t, not really, but something clicked when he met Jacob. He felt like another half of him, that had quickly assumed a place next to his soul. He’d been the first one he told about his sexuality; his insecurities, all his muddied, gnawing fears about existing and becoming an idol. Jacob had responded in kind, a warm beacon of comfort. Jacob divulged his own sexuality in return. He talked about his own worries and struggles. He related. He understood.

Naturally, Kevin found himself wondering. Wondering if they could ever make anything out of _this_. They bonded in a way Kevin had never felt before, and the similarities between them were too many for him to count.

It felt too good to be true… probably because it was.

Kevin waits, with growing impatience, for a confession - a kiss that will never come.

Ever-the-oblivious, Jacob.

-

He pushes the feeling away. Ascribes it to hormones running riot, being stuck in a cramped dorm with a group of handsome men. Puts it down to the fact that he’s just like him, and he’s the only one he knows for sure who leans towards the same sex.

But it doesn’t go away.

They debut. Months tick away. He gets over his lust for Changmin, as quickly as he does his minor crush on Juyeon. His brief friends-with-benefits escapade with Chanhee stays just that - brief. 

Weeks blur into months, overworked so much he forgets basic things - what he ate, who he was talking to a few minutes ago. Despite it, when he got small moments alone - tiny, limpid snatches of solitude in his bed, his mind would wander to one person.

Just his name alone made his heart warm up and clench in his chest. He’d flush all over. He couldn’t remember much anymore, but he could remember what he’d done with Jacob on any given day. The way he’d look at him, or a slight brush of his hand on his, or what he’d say to him - eyes bright, glimmering, searing sunshine into Kevin’s stomach.

Some nights, he’d innocently curl up with his pillow, lulled to sleep with romantic fantasies. Other nights, it would end with his hand wrapped around himself, biting on his pyjama sleeve; pushing away pervading thoughts of Jacob.

It never worked. Thoughts of him would always creep up, take over. It would end, miserably, with Kevin grunting Jacob’s name into his wrist - praying to God that he was sleeping and couldn’t hear - praying to God that he could, and that he’d crawl into bed with him, scooping him up in his arms. Touching him. Kissing him.

It never happened though.

Of course it didn’t.

Ever-the-obstinate, Jacob.

-

He becomes so close to Jacob, that he develops a fluency in the grammar of his body language – intricate knowledge of each small flourish and movement, that Kevin begun to understand more deeply than he did his own. Kevin knew, from one brief twitch of Jacob’s body, what wanted or felt. Jacob oft joked that he _knew him better than he knew himself_.

Whenever he said it, Kevin fake laughed. He felt pathetic. It wasn't a joke. 

The downside - the biggest one in a myriad of many - was how easy it became to _imagine_. How vivid his fantasies could get. 

He'd given up with pushing his thoughts away. He let all the repressed fantasies flood his brain. He didn't last very long at all, now. 

His brain would conquer up the idea of Jacob on top of him, so vivid, so alive and breathing, all his miniscule gestures so perfectly rendered; Kevin would believe for a moment that it was real. He'd reach up into that ghostly, palpable ideal of Jacob, to try and slot their lips together.

His lips would meet air. 

He'd break out of the fantasy, and he'd cum. Lonely. Bored and cerebral in an empty bed, the phantom of Jacob flashing out of the room. 

-

Jacob had started sneaking out at night. Kevin knew what he was doing. So did everyone else, Sangyeon giving it nothing more than a mere warning of _don't get us in a scandal_. 

The first night, Kevin fell asleep on the couch, stomach burning in raw envy. He drifted in and out of troubled sleep, waiting for the moment Jacob comes through the door with _whoever_ , so he can embarrass them. 

It didn’t happen. 

He woke up at 7am, to the sound of the door unlocking. Jacob slunk into the living room. Noticed Kevin’s bleary eyed gaze. Turned his face away. 

Something brief and unnameable flickered in Jacob's eyes. As quick as a bolt, it returned to an emotion Kevin knew how to read. 

Sheepishness.

Kevin rolled off the couch. Crawled into his dorm without a word. 

If he had never heard him grunt his name before, then he won't hear him crying. 

-

There would come moments where, after removing himself from whatever he was doing, Kevin would allow himself to wander. He saw every possibility assemble in front of him, all the paths that would lead him to each one, every simple step that aligned himself to Jacob. Then, once he'd decide on a method... someone, _something_ would draw him out. A noise, a clatter, a stray thought - a lot of times, it was Jacob himself, making himself known in his presence. And with the re-emergence of Jacob,, he'd lose everything he'd assessed. All the paths would clutter up, close off, rearrange themselves; the map towards them would dissipate in Kevin’s mind.

He'd get one step closer to figuring it out, and then Jacob’s tangibility would shock him into acquiescence. 

Jacob strayed further away with each thought. Kevin felt no words could bring him back.

Every door closed off - gradually, one by one. The slip of time between his fingers.

Ever-the-obfuscator, Jacob.

-

He _had_ to have known. Between how off Kevin would act after Jacob had came back from a hook-up, to how everyone in the group had had a girlfriend (or boyfriend… go Younghoon) except him. He’d tried hooking up - with Jacob himself sliding him the numbers of some idols - but it never felt good. There was always something, _someone_ else on his mind.

If he knew, why didn’t he say something, put him out of his misery? The thought would cross his mind often; whenever Jacob would touch him for slightly too long, when he’d laugh too hard at something he’d say.

These instances no longer drew him down the rabbit hole, as they might’ve once done a year ago. Kevin has lost all hope of his feelings ever being reciprocated. But despite how impassive he’d become to his own heart, he’d still feel a small tug occasionally. He banished most of the _what if’s_ , but sometimes, on desolate nights, they’d come back to haunt him; whisper into his ear, show him flickering, fading picture reels, tender moments between him and Jacob – all as his post-orgasm bliss crashed around him.

-

The night was searing hot, crystalline from view from the window. The flesh of Kevin’s neck melts into the leather couch in the living room. He wasn’t waiting for Jacob to walk through the door, he doesn’t do that anymore. Besides, Jacob wasn't even out tonight. Kevin was slightly less anxious at that. He lies back, fanning his face with his hand.

The crimson of the sky fading into eggplant told Kevin it was getting late. He should probably head back to his own room. Sleep without a crick in his neck, for once.

He pulls himself up, grimacing at how the leather detaches itself from his flesh. Shakes himself slightly. Pads towards his dorm door.

He hesitates outside his room, fingers lingering on the wooden panel. It’s unlocked, he can tell by the weight.

His hand won’t push it open.

The voices in his head won’t co-operate with him.

They’d just finished up promotions for their last comeback. They’d been released from their Simply Kpop contract. They hadn’t done a Vlive together in months, and the fans had stopped badgering them for one.

If he told him, right _now_ , then none of their awkwardness would be captured on film. Fans wouldn’t be able to tell something was off. If he told him now, they’d have months before the ominous threat of cameras loomed over them. He could sign them up for PR training, sign himself up for therapy so he could move on.

It would be worth it, if he never had to entertain a _what if_ again.

He draws his hand from the door. Walks further down the corridor, to where he knows Jacob is. Sighs as he gazes at the door knob.

He presses his ear to the cold wall. Straining for the sound of a TV, for music, talking, anything. Nothing. The silence of the dorm grips around him like a snare.

He shakes his head. Pushes his hand to the doorknob.

If he’s asleep, he’ll die with his secret. He prays he is. Wishes with everything that he’ll walk into a limp, sleeping body. Kevin feels his lips tremble, the sweat from earlier frozen on his body.

He twists the knob. Slides the door open. The light from the corridor bleeds into the velveteen black of the darkened room.

With it, Kevin can make out the lump of Jacob’s body, betwixt the cocoon of his blankets. His face, pressed into one side of his pillow, eyes tight shut.

The small moving _rhythm_ of something beneath the blankets; a tiny, barely there rustle.

Jacob moans something hollow, that barely echoes in the room.

Kevin’s heart skips. It takes him a few seconds, before he realises what he’s said.

“ _Kevin_.”

**Author's Note:**

> I'm convinced no-one has ever walked in on someone moaning their name while jerking off, but hey, it's fanfic. I'm also convinced Sangyeon doesn't have a throbbing 9 incher, but that doesn't stop everyone else from writing about it.
> 
> Peace.


End file.
